it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
