your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
