I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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