I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
