Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
