New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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