I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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