She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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