Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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