if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Boobs speak an international language.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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