Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
