i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
