I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
