i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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