This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
