my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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