So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
