Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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