There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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