Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
