I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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