Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
