one might say we're banned from that church
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
