apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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