He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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