Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
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So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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