I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
