i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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