I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
