I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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