his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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