How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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