Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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