walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
