Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
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No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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