I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
