he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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