and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
