I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
