she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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