Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
