i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
