I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
