Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
