Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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