Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
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woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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