med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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