I want to make a zoo with you.
I puked a lego.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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