Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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