This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
