I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
