Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
