last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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