I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
