Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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