Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Duck Duck Cougar?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
