boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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