so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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