I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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