If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
