Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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