I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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