my phone needs a breathalizer
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
