i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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