Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
